Not Complete Alone

Well, I started blogging and I have realized an important discovery. I work better with an audience. (Okay, not an earth-shaking discovery.) While writing these past few days, I searched for things to talk/write about and found it difficult to really be myself. Then something magic happened: I received a comment. Immediately the dormant part of my brain woke up and I voiced my opinion in a tone that I didn't have to force. So, now I just have to write about things that people want to talk about so that I can gain an audience and can be myself. Kind of cart-before-the-horse thinking.

On our drive north to the matinee performance of "The Sound of Music," my wife and I were discussing this phenomenon. She expresses herself best in a closet. I need an audience. I feel people consider me an extrovert, but at the end of the day I am not. I try to think that I don't need the acceptance of others, but really I do. Where Rachel, who openly waits for others before she does her thing, is completely complete alone. I, like everyone, just need to belong, and I take far more stock in others' opinions, high or low, than I probably should.

The Rub.

Not having an audience is only the first half of the equation. I have read blogs, forums, message boards and the like since I first got on the internet in 1996. I have written maybe 20 posts in that time. I think that makes me an uber-lurker! I consider myself a writer, but it is hard for me to bear myself to the collective. Here it is, twelve years later and I have written my first three blog topics and feel I am already on the wrong proverbial road; and for someone whose site is based on proverbial proverbs, that's not good. Don't misunderstand me. I do realize that I don't have people reading my blog, but a person knows when they are not singing their own song. I have only ever written a couple of journal pages for this same reason: I think too much about the people who might read it. I fear the disapproval of others. My first three posts have been safe topics - politics and philosophy.

The Verdict.

I need to write about things that are meaningful and personal and not worry what others think. That sure is easier to type than to do.